Sunday, August 10, 2008

D-179: Little Pills

My inactivity has led to all varieties of nonsense in the comments sections; I certainly have some dumb friends. The reason I have been dormant, is because for the past three days I have been suffering from god awful back pain. I was sitting in the back of an MRAP, and bent down to move a bag, but the bag was stuck and didn’t budge, and my back had been jacked up since.

I went to the doctor, which is something I rarely do, and he gave me Aleve and some blue Ben-Gay like bullshit; reinforcing my belief that going to the doctor is a waste of time (sorry Jewish friend). Instead, I found a different doctor who was able to give me some low grade muscle relaxer called Robaxen, which is doing the trick. I’m sure I’ll be fine in a few days, but in the mean time this is making me fucking miserable.

Outside, we are enjoying an average temperature of 113⁰F; while inside, we are flipping back and forth between the Olympic Games and Russia’s merciless pummeling of Georgia.

The Olympics are sometimes interesting, that is, until the horse dancing event comes on. For reason beyond my understanding, a large chunk of the afternoon programming is dedicated to this ridiculous equestrian event. I don’t know what actual title of it is, but it is an event wherein a rider, dressed up as Mr. Peanut, rides around on a horse. The horse does not run nor does it jump; it just walks around. At some point people clap, and the announcer remark at how the rider should be very pleased with that performance.

Perhaps, if they were riding a rhinoceros, I would be impressed, but horses are well known for their ability to be ridden around, I rode one around upstate one time when I was twelve – I was unaware that the addition of a silly coat with shiny buttons would have made me an Olympian.

As for the Russian invasion of Georgia; that is uncomfortably close to here. I am not a history major, but I do recall some instances where a bunch of little wars and grudges turned into very big wars. Couple that with the fact that a large number of Georgian troops have been giving us a hand here in Iraq, likely buttering us up for just such an occasion. It looks as if the rest of the world is content on sitting this one out – and I really don’t care what happens as long as I am safe and sound and on my way home in February. Anyway, I used to really kick the Russian’s asses when I was playing guns with my cousin, and I’ve seen Spies Like Us like thirty times, so I am prepared for anything that comes my way.

I received a very nice care package from A.G. + C.G., which was billed as care package competition between them and Schwartz + Underpants. Although the latter has failed to deliver, these sorts of competitions are encouraged. I am going to refrain from commenting on the contents of the G’s package, but it was very good and will be tough to compete with. Should S + U ever get off their asses and mail me something, the grading will be done by panel. The panel will include one female, because we only have one female, and her inclusion will help balance the inflated scores that any pornographic content is likely to receive from the gentlemen. Also, it is rumored that AAFES will finally be offering a high speed wireless internet here for only $25 per month; could this be an initial response to C.G.’s harassment of elected officials (I assume NH elects its officials, although it could just be whoever lives closest to the highway)? Who knows, but it sure beats paying $50 to Hadj for slow, shitty internet – plus, I have no doubt that all or part of that $50 helps fund the insurgency.

As pointed out by Golden Girls fan, I now have less than six months to go. While one might think this would make me happy, I am reminded that Navy deployments are only six months, so it's as if I have just started. So right now in Navy world, I am off the coast of Norfolk completing that final CQ. I am hoping that my aircraft breaks, so I have cause to go back to the beach for one night ashore. Tomorrow begins eight days of no-fly as we complete a Trans-Lant, where we will just sleep and attend boring intel briefs until it is time for another CQ around the Azores.

Before I retire with my little muscle pills, I would like to commend Pride for finally defending himself, the beating he has been taking with respect to the shirtless sailor banner has been brutal. Good for you Pride. I apologize if this entry is disjointed or poorly written, I took 3 pills before I started and I’m beginning to get sleepy.

20 comments:

ag said...

I like the old banner added to the top of the Post section; now I don't mind the newer shirtless sailor so much. Tougher for us old folk to adjust to change.

Anonymous said...

it's called dressage - shiney gold buttons my ass!
glad my washington staffer has been effective - will call off the dogs!

Two Buttholes said...

I actually have two buttholes. I dump 1/2 as often as you. You'd think it'd be twice as often or the same amount but it's actually 1/2.

Robert Paul Bowl said...

I like the olympics, too. Do you like watching men or women more? I like the men. Not because I'm gay, no, of course not...I'm married to a lovely woman...it's just, I don't know, the gymastics guys are just perfect human specimens. I'd rather look like them than have my horrific beergut that gently lays over my fatgroin and conceals my thinpenis.

Tom Selleck's Ex-Boyfriend said...

Agreed. My body is much the same as yours, Rob Paul. Additionally, I already look like Tony Kornheiser at the age of 28, I can't get a tan to save my life and, supersedingly importantly, I wouldn't want to save my life.

In sum, if given the chance to save my life under any circumstances, I most certainly would volunteer my life to come to an immediate end.

THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!! said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSH!!

MY BODY IS RECTANGULAR IN SHAPE!!! I DONT HAVE TO WORK OUT TO STAY FIT!!! I AM LIKE ROB PAUL'S WELCOMING BUTTHOLE IN THAT I OPEN UP AND ACCEPT ALL PERISHABLES!!! IT'S JUST WITH ME I PROTECT YOUR PERISHABLES RATHER THAN KIDNAP FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES, SPECIFICALLY MASTURBATORY FODDER!!!! THATS THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY BODY AND ROB PAUL'S BUTTHOLE!!!


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHY MCwooshenstiner

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH/!!!

Underpants Gnomes said...

well this comment section went downhill in a hurry

The all caps immedietly makes me chalk up the post to retardation and I can't even read it

so it went from lucid/succinct English to Caveman in less than 100 words, amazing.

STILL listens to Slayer? said...

So I just signed up so I can post shitty comments! I can tell computers must be getting pretty close to human intelligence because it took me three tries to figure out what the security verification letters were. Two things:

1) I hope the lessons you learned whilst playing guns with me as children are paying off now. I tried to prepare you for the worst! Perhaps if the Georgians had played as well, they wouldn't be in this pickle right now.

B) How do I play the care package game?

STILL listens to Slayer? said...

As I was leaving my last comment I discovered something wonderful.

My boss had walked over to discover me slacking off commenting on a blog whilst still on project time, yes someone paid the company for my blog commenting time as they are paying for this time. Anyway, he disapprovingly asked me what I was doing. "oh, I'm commenting on my cousins blog, he's in IRAQ." First he asks "They have computers in Iraq?" "um...yeah...." then he says "ok" and walks off. So from now on ALL of my slacking off will somehow relate to Tim being in Iraq. I'm also going to investigate applying this to my everyday life.

These goddamn word verificatios!

Crazy eyes said...

I just went to the eye doctor and got my eyes dilated...looking in the mirror when I got home brought me back to high school but not laughing as much as I thought I would be.....is it really necessary that we capitalize the letter I?

Los Creepy Old Dude said...

Well I'll be if the performances from these little chinese gymnasts don't make an old feeller like myself turn gymnastics into gymnasties!

With a little flick of the wrist. TOOOOOOOS KEET!

Shawn Johnson said...

My neck is wide like The Rock. But, I'm somehow still sexually appealing even though I know I can crush all heads with my vice grip inside thigh wrap a bitch head up. But she's like a little freak hulk chick who looks like a lotta fungina!

Anonymous said...

The augmentees blog is very interesting but comments are king. I have a whole bunch in my brain now filed under 'what the fuck are they talking about' and a few others in my 'fuckin-a-right' file. But more importantly, my dog just ate my laptop's powercord (how the hell did he NOT get electrocuted?) so I must find a new one before bill gates smacks my ass... shitfuckker!

Anonymous said...

also, i'm calling for a vote on making the word 'shitfukker' valid. That and i'm also jumping on crazy eyes' bandwagon: no more capitalizing "i".

all those if favor; say i.

STILL listens to Slayer? said...

I second Bob's motion to make shitfuckker a word! I likes it!. Sounds like we were both watching South Park last night. As for capitalizing the letter I.... just turn on your spell check and never worry about it again. Oh, and an intersting bit of trivia for ya'll: People used to write things on this stuff called 'Paper' and it DIDN"T have a spell checker. Weird huh?

Underpants Gnomes said...

it makes another post, or else it gets the hose again

STILL listens to Slayer? said...

PUT THE FUCKIN LOTION IN THE BASKET!!

StillbornFetusUsedForEntertainment said...

@ Underpants Gnomes:

Nice post. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Now that I'm in Cali, I smoke that pot the calls the kettle black. It's so good, mainly because it talks. Usually screams upon being burned.

In any case, Underpants, please stop being a hypocrite and please get some original material rather than copying and pasting half your comments (not to mention your username) from southpark.com. GETALIFEIMMEDIATELY!

Underpants Gnomes said...

@stillborn

What?

I don't even know what to make of your post outside of the fact that you amazingly realize I quote films/shows frequently.

Wow, thanks captain obvious, I think each quote I've used could be tracked to multiple different mediums! Fuck, I guess I plagarized them all, jackass.

You could easily interpret your name as a south park reference too ~ when cartman finds the truck of fetus's that were going to be used for stem cell research...

obviously you are new to the site as well, as some of my past comments have not only sparked intrigue and debate but been genuinely original.

I also dont understand how sarcastically asking augmentee (I know he's probably got better things to do) to make a post is hypocritical, I posted, and based on your comment the hypocrisy would have to arise from me saying he was plagarizing, which I never have and never would - AUG is too good for that.

Go learn English and stop being a fucktard

Still Stillbornfetus Guy said...

Underpants Loser:

I hope you realize your post(s) make(s) absolutely no sense at all, nor does it satisfactorily address the hypocrisy and plagiarism issues previously raised. I can't even begin to reply to any of your moronic statements without taking up most of my busy day pointing to countless reasons why absolutely everything you posted is borderline retarded.

That said, nice attempt to appear intelligent, but we both (most likely "WE ALL") know you have no idea what you're talking about.

Beat it, geek. Go find a children's message board to play on, because you're obviously no older than 12.