I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee; I had to pee real badly! My head was still a little groggy; it felt heavier than normal when I lifted it. It was at that moment that I realized that my head was in fact heavier; it was not just an illusion from a long night. It was heavier because it was firmly fastened to my pillow with Duct Tape.
I attempted to remove it, but immediately realized that my arms were fixed to the bed. I looked myself over as best as I could, by lifting my head and pillow, and peering downward to the point that my eyeballs hurt from the strain; what I saw was a lot of Duct Tape; a thousand feet of it to be exact.
I contorted my body so that I was slightly on my side, and worked the tape connected to my right wrist with my thumb and index finger. Patience was required, but I really had to take a leak. I managed a little tear in the side of the restraining strand, and with all my strength was able to pull that arm free. The violent motion made me acutely aware that I was also suffering from a severe hangover. I mentally categorized my misfortunes in order of precedence; taped to a bed, about to pee my pants, badly hung-over.
With my liberated right hand, I pulled my head free of the pillow – my stomach turned with sound of the tape ripping out my hair and the stinging pain that accompanied it. I started working the tape around my torso, and initially I’d made it somehow worse by twisting and knotting the tape, and getting it all stuck to itself. I was amazed at the sheer quantity of tape that I was pulling off; it seemed endless, it was alternately wrapped fully around my chest, sometimes including my arm, sometimes not, and then wrapped completely around the bed, box-spring and frame with no pattern that I was able to discover. My legs were completely immobile, limiting the amount of force I could apply to any one pull, and reducing my available means of escape to one; I had to meticulously remove each line of tape, and with it whole tufts of chest hair until I was free.
When I was finally finished, I had collected a ball of used silver Duct Tape the size of a large yoga ball, roughly weighing seven or eight pounds. I hurried out into the living room towards the bathroom to solve my second most urgent problem and saw the one we know as Stillborn asleep on the fold-out, and the Jewish one asleep in a chair, tenderly cuddling a maple Louisville Slugger. I lifted the ball of tape high over my head, and slammed it down into the face of Stillborn, and stomped my way toward the bathroom. He laughed heartily for a few minutes and went back to sleep.
On my way back to bed, I kicked the ottoman away from Jewish, and despite nearly falling to the floor, he neither woke up nor let go of the bat. Good hands.
I took a few Advil, chugged a glass of water, and went back to sleep for several hours.