Saturday, August 16, 2008

D-173: On Tape

I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee; I had to pee real badly! My head was still a little groggy; it felt heavier than normal when I lifted it. It was at that moment that I realized that my head was in fact heavier; it was not just an illusion from a long night. It was heavier because it was firmly fastened to my pillow with Duct Tape.

I attempted to remove it, but immediately realized that my arms were fixed to the bed. I looked myself over as best as I could, by lifting my head and pillow, and peering downward to the point that my eyeballs hurt from the strain; what I saw was a lot of Duct Tape; a thousand feet of it to be exact.

I contorted my body so that I was slightly on my side, and worked the tape connected to my right wrist with my thumb and index finger. Patience was required, but I really had to take a leak. I managed a little tear in the side of the restraining strand, and with all my strength was able to pull that arm free. The violent motion made me acutely aware that I was also suffering from a severe hangover. I mentally categorized my misfortunes in order of precedence; taped to a bed, about to pee my pants, badly hung-over.

With my liberated right hand, I pulled my head free of the pillow – my stomach turned with sound of the tape ripping out my hair and the stinging pain that accompanied it. I started working the tape around my torso, and initially I’d made it somehow worse by twisting and knotting the tape, and getting it all stuck to itself. I was amazed at the sheer quantity of tape that I was pulling off; it seemed endless, it was alternately wrapped fully around my chest, sometimes including my arm, sometimes not, and then wrapped completely around the bed, box-spring and frame with no pattern that I was able to discover. My legs were completely immobile, limiting the amount of force I could apply to any one pull, and reducing my available means of escape to one; I had to meticulously remove each line of tape, and with it whole tufts of chest hair until I was free.

When I was finally finished, I had collected a ball of used silver Duct Tape the size of a large yoga ball, roughly weighing seven or eight pounds. I hurried out into the living room towards the bathroom to solve my second most urgent problem and saw the one we know as Stillborn asleep on the fold-out, and the Jewish one asleep in a chair, tenderly cuddling a maple Louisville Slugger. I lifted the ball of tape high over my head, and slammed it down into the face of Stillborn, and stomped my way toward the bathroom. He laughed heartily for a few minutes and went back to sleep.

On my way back to bed, I kicked the ottoman away from Jewish, and despite nearly falling to the floor, he neither woke up nor let go of the bat. Good hands.

I took a few Advil, chugged a glass of water, and went back to sleep for several hours.

9 comments:

Stillborn babies are better said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

Duct taped to the bed!! I remember giggling profusely passing the tape under the bed to Jewish or Bowl. HAHAHAHA! That shit was FUNNY!

STILL listens to Slayer? said...

Duct Tape is fun!

Moses Malone said...

Don't forget Pizza Deliveries was taking part as well...funniest drunkin event after Tim passed out ever.....except a recent wedding....Augmentee care to share?

George Carlin R.I.P. said...

it was the jewish guy. Bowl was at home finishing a long day of wiffle ball drinking with his little bro before passing out in front of the fam.

Anonymous said...

i am dilly's sister...she sent me the link to your blog. i think that entry was probably the highlight of my day. you guys are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

ahhh, the classics. Duct Tape. Just be glad it wasn't crazy glue. What, no tiny knife hidden in your watchband. WTF MacGyver?!

Oh_The_Stories_I_Could_Tell said...

I was the gay lover of your jewish friend for a summer. He used to love to be duct taped at the biker bar.

The Augmentee said...

Thanks for coming by Dilly's sister, you are welcome back anytime.

Hey - do you still have my SDO e-mail from cruise? I remember you had it - if so, could you send it to me. I've been trying to track that thing down for quite some time.

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