Sometimes I'm a Wig-Wam, Sometimes I'm a Tee-Pee

My brief, inglorious tenure with the Reserves has left a bruise.  Although it’s been four years since my departure from active duty, re-affiliation was always part of the plan.  Now I am quite suddenly forced to psychologically separate myself from the Navy.

I've been wandering through Corporate America in sheep’s clothing; completely un-bothered that I have zero in common with most people around me.  My primary reference points are other veterans and a good chunk of my social calendar is spent with old Squadron-mates.

With it clear that military life is forever behind me – that identity is no longer a healthy one.  I am at great risk of becoming one of ”those” guys; enamored with the adventures and exploits of my twenties, expecting all others to be equally enthralled.  This is not an acceptable outcome.

Unlike the Military, the corporate world does not provide a standard-issue psychological construct; or at least, not one that I find appealing.  Smiley corporate guy is not someone I aspire to be, although I do admire his enthusiasm.

Fatherhood, to which I am still relatively new, lends itself quite well to a variety of Ethos – some of which I could probably get behind but would require some self-censorship. Many base elements of my personality are not family-friendly and I’m worried how they might manifest themselves if not allowed exercise. 

Still, this is mostly manageable; father-self is pretty well aligned with regular-self.  Work-self, however, diverges wildly from both.

In the ready room my behavior required no modifications.  In cubicle-land, I really need to lock it up.  This results in my being very quiet most of the time.  Sometimes, I think everyone else is engaged in a similar masquerade but I’m not sure.  Perhaps they've adjusted to their habitat after all those years in the cube.

I don’t think they covered this in TAPS. 

I Have Reservations

”Show them your license and your orders and see if they let you on, if not call the CDO.”  Those were my only instructions from the reserve PS3 who was my primary point of contact at the NOSC.  After two hours of waiting in line and three calls to the CDO, she finally relented; ”we’ll send someone to the gate to escort you.”

So began an excruciating, although entirely expected day of administrative boondoggling and regulatory logic loops.  You can’t have certificates on you CAC card until you complete Information Awareness training, but you can’t access the training without functioning certificates. Blink. Blink.

While those things inspired amused deja vu, the mobilization landscape was truly unnerving.  My decision to join SELRES was largely predicated on understanding that involuntary mobilizations were history.  Multiple sources assured* me that most available mobilizations were being snapped up by volunteers who (a) needed it for promotion (b) just like to mobilize or (c) were otherwise unemployed and need the money to keep body and soul together.

Multiple conversations throughout the course of that first Saturday convinced me that I had vastly under-estimated this risk.  The CO confirmed in my first meeting with him that the possibility of involuntary mobilization was ”reduced but not insignificant.”  I found myself overwhelmed with dread at living with the specter of a 12-month Afghan IA looming over me like a boogey-man. 

Before you old-timers start in on me; yes, I understand that mobilizing is the actual purpose of the Reserves.  As a young, steely-eyed killer, I would be first in line to admonish Reservists who dared complain about activation.  

That said, my hypocrisy knows no bounds – I joined SELRES for the retirement, the pay, and the insurance of having a reliable fall-back source of income in the worst of times.  All the wrong reasons.  I do not want deploy, now or ever.  For a variety of reasons, a mobilization would be professionally and emotionally devastating to me.  It took me one day on base to realize - I have gone soft.  I am 100% civilian.

On Sunday I submitted paperwork for transition to IRR.  I lasted one drill weekend.  If you aren't willing to do the job, you've got no business wearing a uniform. Period.  Sorry for causing paperwork.  I tip my cap to those who hold the line, but I am through – hit the lights

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*Assured may be too strong a word, I have a habit of hearing what I want to hear.  

Old Law

If you have ever had a friend announce to you his intention to buy a boat, you probably said, ”that’s great man, good for you” - but you were probably thinking ”this poor, ignorant bastard is on a road to wealth-destroying misery.”   

A 34 year-old man, with a good job and a family, announcing plans to attend law school receives that exact same response. 

Well, at least I’m not buying a boat.

The country is full of unemployed lawyers saddled with crippling, non-dischargable debt.  Google the words ”Law School” and two of the front page articles are full-length, denunciations of the entire enterprise.  I have read every word of those articles and 100 others like it. ”Law school is a sham; ...ruined my life;... you aren’t the exception” – I go to sleep every night with these words dancing in my head.

In most cases the argument against law school follows this framework: (1) law school costs way, way, way too much, (2) the job-market for lawyers is terrible, and (3) the jobs that are available are miserable, slavish drudgery.

The first is a very plain and unassailable fact - law school is stupid expensive.  However, thanks to the GI Bill and the Yellow Ribbon Program, I will sidestep this landmine completely. And since I am attending night school while maintaining my current job and salary, my opportunity cost will be paid in human suffering, rather than U.S. Dollars.

Second, the job market for lawyers is famously terrible.  The statistics are confusing and largely uninteresting, but consider three potential outcomes: (1) get a job at a big law firm that pays $165,000  (2) get some other lawyer job (public sector, small-business, solo practice) that generally pays $45-65K.  (3a) maneuver an in-house job at my current company or (3b) don’t practice law. 

Option one is a crapshoot, the big firms recruit mainly from the elite, top-tier schools, and after that from the very tippy-top of the class at other schools.  I will attend Temple, which is a very good school, and I am a good student, so this is in the realm of possibility but certainly not easy or guarenteed. 

Toss option two out the window, I’ve got a family to feed. 

Option (3a) is a realistic and very appealing possibility and (3b) basically involves staying in my current job.

In total, this one is a wash – the job market for lawyers is very terrible, but so is the job market for every other thing.  I don’t see how having a (free) law degree does me any harm.

The final argument concerns the miserable nature of the legal profession.  These arguments usually begin as, ”If you think you’re life will resemble this TV / Movie lawyer...” then move to ”...mostly reading boring things and working long hours...” and summarize with ”...and you can never quit because you are a quarter million in debt.”

This all sounds like run-of-the-mill bitching about work to me.  I can see how the demands of any job could be a slap in the face of a person who coming off seven consecutive years of the utopian paradise that is the modern college campus, but this is not my first rodeo.  Doctors bitch about their work, as do policemen and teachers and fighter pilots and Kanye West.  I have no doubt that lawyering is demanding work, but I consider myself up to the task. 

Whether or not I can actually graduate from law school while holding down a job, drilling in the Navy Reserves, and being a suitable father and husband... I guess we’re about to find out.  Wish me luck, I’ll keep you all posted.                   

JOPA For Life

Congratulations universe, you win.  I am officially back in the Navy as a reservist.  Only time will tell if this is just another way-point in a long string of under-informed (read: bad) decisions but at this early stage I’m happy about it.  ’Happy’ is probably the wrong word, let’s say I’m amused by it.

If the recruitment process is any indication of reservist life, I’m in for a pretty long road to retirement eligibility.  My first communication with the recruiter is approaching it’s second birthday:

I completed a thorough package to the E-2C SAU but never heard anything back.  Honestly, I don’t hold it against them.  I wouldn't have been a very good squadron-mate, I don’t think they have much use for a weekender who hasn't been inside the aircraft since late 2007 (Jesus that was almost eight years ago).

So I’ll go to the Philadelphia NOSC and search for a local billet; hopefully there’s something interesting – I welcome any advice.

I have been warned off this decision by people whom I trust and are in a position to know what they are talking about.  I did not pay mind to that advice because I am dense, arrrogant, and a poor decision-maker.  I served nine years of active duty; that is too many years to just leave on the table so I feel obliged to pursue retirement.  The benefits will serve as both a supplement and an insurance policy, and in the meantime I naively think that reserve duty might be interesting.  I have a good job at a good company with good pay and good benefits, but it can be a little boring so I’ll dress up and play sailor once a month to relive the glory.  Maybe I'll get some good blog ingredients out of it.

The rub is that I start over as an O-3; apparently that is my penance for making a clean break back in ’11.  That was a bad decision.  I know now that I could have hit the IRR with almost no risk of mobilization and I would be hitting the ground as an O-4.  In hindsight, I should have done some research or asked somebody for advice – well hindsight, unlike Hawkeye NFOs, is 20/20.  Fuck it, JOPA for life.

The Stadium Thing, explained

The Atlantic Magazine cover story, “The Tragedy of the American Military” by James Fallows has stirred up a quiet storm of activity in some of the corners of the internet that I frequent. Briefly, the article contends:

(a) There exists a disconnect between the public and the military in that the former holds a “reverent but disengaged attitude” toward the latter...

(b) which has resulted in a “chickenhawk”¹ nation that manifests itself in various cultural, economic and political apparatii...

(c) in which “careless spending and strategic folly combine to lure America into endless wars it can’t win”

That is the Cliff’s Notes edition of an article that is very long and broad in scope, as are the countless pieces written in response (links below).  Writer’s far smarter and more interesting than I have contributed thousands of words in a debate that will rage on forever without any meaningful effect on anything.

For my part, I am mainly interested in the first point concern the disconnect between the public and the military.  This phenomenon is generally referred to as the “civil-military divide.”  Fallows did not invent it, and both sides of the divide continue lengthening the gap through indifference.  Fallow’s view is best summed up in his own words: “The country thinks too rarely, and too highly, of the 1 percent under fire in our name.”  

That’s half true anyway.  The country does think “too rarely” about the military, but as for “too highly?”  There are a few warmed-over reference points concerning this perceived hero-worship put forth by Fallows and others that deserve to be addressed by someone a little closer to the pointy edge of civilian-military relations:

1. The “Stadium” Thing:  Reading through the responses to this article, one might think that any person in a uniform can walk right into the Super Bowl and demand to be paraded across the 50-yard line en route to a private luxury suite.  Sadly, this is not the case.  The person you see standing in the end zone in ACUs waving like an idiot is a kind of contest winner.  His prize was free football tickets; the standing, waving and being forced to wear a uniform to a football game is the extracted price. The industry figured out a way to cram one more piece of marketing into their marketing-rich fan experience. They correctly presume that the people who ”revere” military things sometimes overlap with the people who care about football.  This does not mean all people “revere” military things but the fact that there are some is sufficient for the team to spend 2 unsold tickets and a previously-unoccupied 30-seconds in between quarters to “honor” Joe from Staten Island for his great sacrifice.  Joe would rather be wearing his discounted Michael Vick jersey and starting a fight in the 400 section.  If peer pressure induces you to stand up and clap for him that’s on you - sit on your hands if you want to, nobody will even notice.
2. The Military Discount:  In my 13 years of military-discount eligibility, I can count on one hand the number of times that I've participated.  Generally, the military discount is exactly the same as the discount offered to members of AAA, American Express, Frequent Flier Programs, etc - and the price is still probably lower at Costco².  It’s a nice gesture, but it’s just that - for business that are outside the range of a handful of major military installations, it rarely even comes up.  Meanwhile, Applebees gets to put a bunch of American flag stickers on their menus for being so military friendly.  
3. The “Thank You for Your Service” Thing:  This is a nice thing that some people say but it really doesn't mean anything.  “Thank you for your service” is to servicemen as “God bless you” is to sneeze. Occasionally someone is utterly sincere and thanks you for your service earnestly and with burning intensity… encountering these people leads to the most awkward personal interactions in life. “um, you’re welcome?”  I know it’s ungrateful to complain about a simple, nice gesture, but there it is… I think most modern-era vets kind of wish this little habit would go away³.  You’re killing us with kindness.  
4. SEALs:  SOCOM, Call of Duty, Rainbow Six, No Easy Day, Lone Survivor, Zero Dark Thirty, Seal Team Six!  LL Cool J, Ice Cube, Charlie Sheen, Tom Selleck and Hulk Hogan have all portrayed SEALs.  America loves Navy SEALs.  America worships and reveres Navy SEALs. Most of us are not Navy SEALs - that reverence does not extend to E-2C NFOs.

America does not think "too highly" of their military.

They think the military is a landing spot for rednecks who can't get into college - I've had to explain the concept that I was in the military and I went to college to more than one confused interviewer.

They think anyone can do it - I can't even count the number of "I almost joined the military but decided to have a life instead" stories that I've endured in my 3 years as a civilian.

They know less than nothing about anything military - Several times I've had to explain the fact that the Navy has their own aircraft and that is different than the Air Force. Imagine trying to explain the concept of an Individual Augmentee.

In reality, what little time America does spend thinking about the “1 percent under fire in (their) name,” is spent thinking about:sexual assault, PTSD, and shirtless Navy SEALs.  

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^1. Chickenhawk is a political term used in the United States to describe a person who strongly supports war or other military action (i.e., a war hawk), yet who actively avoids or avoided military service when of age. (Wikipedia)<sup>↩

2.</sup> Similarly, the commissaries and exchanges don’t offer much in the way of savings - the argument that this is somehow a perk for servicemen is mythology created by recruiters.  I’m sure there is some racket in place where-by Dick Cheney’s cousin has a billion dollar subsidy to keep the Panda Express open at NS Norfolk, but it doesn’t mean a thing to the average serviceman.↩

^{3.Maybe it’s just me.  I can be something of an insufferable prick and it may very well be that others are very grateful for this kindness.  I didn’t conduct a poll.  ↩}

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Links

“The Tragedy of the American Military” by James Fallows | The Atlantic

James Fallows On The 'Tragedy Of The American Military' (audio) | NPR

"The Tragedies of James Fallows" | CDR Salamander

"The Tragedy of James Fallows" by Bryan McGrath | Information Dissemination

Chickenhawk Responses No. 9: Meanwhile, the Realities | The Atlantic (With links to responses 1 through 8)

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Leave some comments please - it makes this whole effort a lot more fun for me

Rough Start

When I publicly committed myself to posting something new every week, I really did not take into consideration the banality of my day-to-day life.  

Unfortunately, it looks like my buddy Brian really called his shot back in 2008 when he wrote;

“Of course, if you got out of the Navy and weren't in Iraq, on the Ike or dealing with hinges, I could see you quickly running out of material.”

All of those things have come true; I work in a pretty basic cube-farm, we have pictures of eagles on the walls with cute sayings about innovation.  The carpet is gray; the walls are pale blue.   The soothing chorus of clacking keyboards over the labored breathing of the severely overweight is only interrupted by occasional polite laughter in response to a sterile, unfunny joke.  There is usually a cake when it’s someone’s birthday, which, statistically is pretty much every day in a building of 400 people.  

It’s a nice enough place to work, but nobody drove a truck into a wall or nearly went blind drinking wine they made under their bed, so it sometimes can feel a little humorless.   It certainly does not offer up a weekly premise for a blog post of any value.

Alas, weekly is the commitment that I made right here in front of God and everybody, and while I’m sure my determination will eventually give way to other interests (baseball season), vanity alone prevents me from defaulting on my very first, post-resolution installment – in short, this is a blog about nothing.

1,103 Days Later

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been 1,103 days since my last post.

Technically that isn’t correct; I’ve had a smattering of failed projects along the way and had a short, but fun go of it over at droppingletters.com.  While I am still holding out hope that we can pull our hats out of our collective asses over at officesharks.com someday, it is high time that I return to the scene of my original failure, where I first discovered my gift of mediocre story-telling and poor grammar.  

Welcome back to The Augmentee.

I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions.  Lord knows I have enough bad habits but I’ve settled into a comfortable cycle of fat-drunk to fit-sober and back that operates on about an 8-month wavelength.  This year, the fit-sober just happens to fall in a January – it’s like an eclipse. 

In times like these, it’s important to seek inspiration from venerable sources such as Cracked.com’s David Wong, who offers this gem to the newly resolved: 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person

I won’t bore you with a full review of the article (although it is brilliant and I encourage you to read it) but I will cite one brief passage:

Being in the business I'm in, I know dozens of aspiring writers. They think of themselves as writers, they introduce themselves as writers at parties, they know that deep inside, they have the heart of a writer. The only thing they're missing is that minor final step, where they actually fucking write things. 

But really, does that matter? Is "writing things" all that important when deciding who is and who is not truly a "writer"?

For the love of God, yes.

I cringed a little when I read that, and I couldn’t understand exactly why.  After all, I have NEVER presumed to introduce myself as a writer at a party and I have the heart of a slightly-overweight, 33-year old cigar smoker, but I felt exposed anyway.

Because I would say “I like to write.”  I would list it as a hobby if I were filling out the kind of questionnaire that asked me to list hobbies.  Which is all well-and-good except that I don’t actually fucking write things.  I enjoy writing the way I enjoy golf, exercise, and reading books – I remember a time when I used to do all those things, and now just whimper about how I don’t have time but still list them as my hobbies on theoretical questionnaires. 

So, in honor of the challenge set forth by David Wong in the pages of Cracked.com, I’m throwing open the shutters of The Augmentee and I’ll endeavour to post something weekly of some value, to somebody.  I’ll see you chumps on the message boards. 

For those of you not interested in clicking on the link, here's the embedded photo of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf:

Via Upscalehype.com

Hit the Lights!

As my transition out of the Navy is rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do some final tidying up around here and consider The Augmentee blog officially a wrap. I’ve attempted to fix some of the more egregious formatting errors (while ignoring the ones that were too much a nuisance to fix) and deleted some of the more misguided if not outright offensive posts (because the internet is forever).

It was tempting to alter or add clarifying information to some of the old posts as I reviewed them, but for the sake of posterity I have decided to leave well enough alone. I haven’t decided how long I will continue to claim the domain name, but it only costs $12/year and I am admittedly sentimentally attached to it.

As my naval career comes to a close, it is clear that this IA assignment will stand out as one of the defining events of my 8+ years of service. The maintaining of this blog and the overwhelming response to it was extremely fun, and helped keep me sane for the duration of the deployment.

Thanks for playing along, don’t forget to buy a T-Shirt on your way out the door.

The Augmentee and the NAVADMIN

I’m going to try not to make this a long story…

Like many IAs, I had assumed that I would recover 100% of my shore duty time for my Iraqi troubles. That had long been touted as a promise on the FAQ lists of official IA sources. Therefore, I had assumed that I would receive an eight month extension to cushy billet, upon which time I would gracefully resign from the Naval Service – forever cementing my legacy in the annals of naval lore. Well, I am an idiot.

In June of this year, I informed my detailer of my desire to exercise my extension. He told me I just needed to submit a request… no deadline or sense of urgency was revealed to me. It seemed a mere formality.

On Thursday of last week, the nomination package for my replacement was delivered to my command. He will be here in May to facilitate my August rotation. I called the detailer and told him that he needs to contact this unlucky officer immediately; let him know that his Helo Bubba Placement Officer placed him in a job that wasn’t available. Sucks to be him… but he probably didn’t just get back from a 10-month IA, so while I’m sympathetic, I can stomach a small amount of discomfort on his part in order to prevent my life from turning upside down. I was sure my detailer would agree… He did not.

He told me that while I was still welcome to submit my request, it would likely be denied since my job was promised to another person. Clearly, this was entirely my fault; why hadn’t I submitted this letter already? Didn’t I know the rules? Hadn’t I read the applicable chapters in MILPERSMAN chapter 13?

Sadly, I had only read through chapter 12 of MILPERSMAN, and I did not know the rules. But I do now. The MILPERSMAN is not really the issue… the real article is called NAVADMIN 273/06. If you are a returning IA, you need to read this thing but for the purposes of brevity let me summarize. The 100% extension promise only applies to enlisted personnel. For officers, the text reads as follows:

“OFFICER IAS COMING FROM SHORE DUTY: DETAILERS WILL CONTACT THE OFFICER TO DISCUSS OPTIONS WITH REGARD TO CAREER PROGRESSION, PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT, AND TOUR LENGTHS TO MAXIMIZE THE LENGTH OF A SHORE DUTY EXTENSION WHILE KEEPING THE OFFICER’S CAREER ON TRACK TO ACHIEVE ALL COMMUNITY MILESTONES.”

Read as follows: I am not entitled to shit. So here are my options:

1. Negotiate another sea-duty.

2. Resign in August 2010 vice May 2011.

3. Negotiate another IA/GSA deployment.

I have some hope; the guy who has been promised my billet will be offered other available NROTC billets. If he accepts, I’m good. If he declines, I’m fucked.

Do I feel like I’ve been screwed? Yes I do. However, I accept that I had a hand in screwing myself. If I have to choose from the options above, I’ll take number 2. If anyone knows a company in the New York City area that needs a good man around September, please let me know.

I’ll keep you posted.

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“Annals” refers to archives, history or chronicles, not the human anus; but have fun with it anyway Bosque & Bowl.

A Commentary on FITREPs

We have undergone a change of command here recently, and with it the obligatory change of command FITREP and debrief. My former boss is very heavy on the “career counseling” aspect of these debriefs; he leads with the question, “what do you have planned for your next tour?” Never mind that I’ve made it clear on several occasions that not only did I want to get out, but that my community is structured in a way that wouldn’t provide a path back in, regardless of my wishes, so his efforts to change my mind were futile. In general, I play the “I’m getting out” card pretty close to the vest, but when asked directly, I don’t beat around the bush.

This decision was made when I accepted this tour; the Hawkeye community places no value on education and no value on IA tours. I was introduced to this concept long ago, when as naïve LTJG, I wondered aloud why the Department Head selection board would even consider passing on a guy who has a PHD in aerospace engineering from MIT in favor of a guy who spent three years teaching some useless PDS class over at the RAG. My CO told me flatly, it is because the guy at the RAG “gave something back to the community.” That may have been the first time I heard that concept, but it would not be the last; as I moved closer to my shore rotation, I was offered excessive career advice from anyone with an oak leaf and chance to run their mouth for a few minutes, and it always bounced back to the same theme – give something back to the community.

Let’s get this out of the way up front; being a “member” of the Hawkeye “community” is in every way equivalent to playing for the losing team. The E-2C is an aging platform, unable to effectively adapt to a modern warfare environment. I could go on forever about the reasons why, but I’ll save that for another day. The point is, asking me to give something back to the Hawkeye community is absurd; it is like asking Barry Sanders to give something back to the Lions. Flying the Hawkeye was a booby prize; it is the participation ribbon of Naval Aviation – I don’t feel indebted to it in any way, and I don’t think my “good deal” shore tour is any less of a contribution than sitting in the Simulator at the RAG or re-drafting useless TTP in a triple-walled nerd-locker in the desert.

In fact, I’ll stack my tour here up against anyone of those as far as contribution to the Navy; after all, we all joined the Navy, not the Hawkeye community. My tour, to include my 9-month combat tour, compares favorably to a RAG, WTI, or NSAWC tour in every measurable way except one – It has nothing to do with sitting in the back of an E-2C (by the grace of God). By the time I leave here, I’ll have delivered hundreds of commissioned Ensigns to the Fleet, I’ll have more joint experience than any of my peers having a FITREP signed by a member of 3 of 4 service branches, I’ll have invaluable combat experience on the FIRES end of CAS/TST – a mission which should by now be an E-2C core competency but falls short in favor of Cold War doctrine - and I’ll have a master’s degree.

All of those things would strike an ordinary person as pretty favorable traits to bring before a career board; which is probably why my CO continued to bring it up for two years, but the Hawkeye community is not listening. Hawkeye CO’s are still encouraged to manipulate the FITREP system to give the maximum advancement opportunity to guys who choose jobs that are on the “track.” You may be the number one performer, but this other guy “needs” the EP because he’s going to the RAG. He’s giving something back! I don’t mean to sound bitter, because I wasn’t trying to stay in, and I was never mislead – my detailer looked me right in the eye and told me I’d never make command if I took this job. It’s just an infuriatingly broken system; and the community will never advance in any meaningful way as long as clings to this incestuous promotion scheme. There are plenty of very good, very deserving officers at the RAG and NSAWC; top performers who I admire and in many cases count among my closest friends. But there are more than a few clowns too – and it is a straight roll of the dice which of these guys will be the next generation of squadron COs.

New ideas are not generated by homogenous groups who have been more or less stuck in the tube of an E-2 for their entire careers. It is a frustrating conversation to be forced to have every fucking FITREP cycle.