Tuesday, July 1, 2008

D-219: Real Joe Part II

I was in the garage today bullshitting and smoking with a buddy, when two Joe’s showed up for some HMMWV maintenance. The crew directed the first truck into the garage, with the intent of pulling it up far enough that the other could fit behind it. Unfortunately, the driver of truck #2 didn’t understand the instructions, so instead of following the other in, he parked his HMMWV right in between two garage bays, effectively blocking both doors, shut down the truck and got out.

“What the fuck are you doing retard, move that truck into the garage.”

So Joe driver #2 gets back in his truck but alas, it will not start.

So the former Marine who is directing this circus curses, and directs the driver of truck #1 to back out, jump start the dead HMMWV, and then get them both in the garage. Pretty simple instructions, even for Joe, so the contractor turns his back for a minute, and Joe hops into Truck #1 and hits reverse at about 50 MPH, straight at the still open door of Truck #2.

“YO! YO! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” everyone nearby screams simultaneously, and Joe stops his truck just inches before he ripped a 400 lb armored door off the side of his buddies vehicle. Joe #2, who is watching the whole event with a brain-dead, mouth open gape, making us all wonder if he is capable of cognitive thought, walks over and slams the door shut.

With the door closed, Joe #1 proceeds to back out through the now only slightly obstructed opening; a feat that could be quite easily accomplished by a 16 year old Driver’s Ed student of average intelligence. With the trucks door closed, Joe #1 sets his sights on a bigger target and somehow broadsides Truck #2 before finally turning the wheel. The crash isn’t enough to make him rethink his vector, so he just continues on back, scraping the entire passenger side of his vehicle along the driver side of the other vehicle, sending the splintered glass of the shattered oversize rear view mirrors everywhere. Luckily, I do not think he will miss his mirror, since it is evident he has no clue how to utilize it. The awful metal-on-metal screeching finally comes to a stop when the truck’s rear quarter panel becomes literally wedged into the driver’s side rear quarter panel of the other truck, completely jamming the vehicle in place. Joe spins his wheels a few times before he is satisfactorily convinced that he is stuck. I am utterly amazed; I wonder if I could train my dog to drive a HMMWV.

Joe #2, who has been a spectator up to this point, decides to give his hapless buddy a hand getting unstuck, and positions himself in front of the trapped vehicle, with his back pressed up against the cement wall which separates the garage bays. He gives Joe #1 the “come forward” signal with his hands, and Joe #1 guns it;

“YO! YO! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” everyone screams simultaneously, again. He hits the brakes about an inch before he squashed the other Joe into the cement wall. They both turn toward us, and give us a look as if to say “what are you getting so excited about, we got this.” No Joe, you most definitely do not “got it.” You are several stages of evolution away from “getting it.”

With his buddy out of danger and his truck mostly freed, Joe #1 climbs back into the driver’s seat to back his truck out into the clear parking lot. What Joe doesn’t realize, is that he dropped his sidearm, which is still hanging from his belt by the elastic chord. I have often wondered why we are required to wear that annoying chord; I guess I have my answer.

This saga finally ends with Joe’s M9 bouncing across a gravel parking lot as he backs his truck away from the scene of wreckage that he and his buddy just caused outside the garage… at 0800 in the morning, absolutely unbelievable.

Quote of the Day: LT on Lindsay Lohan.

“The fact that I know I will want to punch her within seconds of her opening her mouth makes her even hotter.”

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