Monday, July 28, 2008

D-192: Potpourri

The CO gave us back gym privileges today; which was just in time, because I was going to invoke my status as a non-battalion asset today and start going to the gym again anyhow. Although allowed to work out, we are still on lockdown pending the completion of the missing Night Optical Device investigation, so we are required to go to the gym with a “battle-buddy.” I decided that rule is retarded, and therefore I am not subject to it as non-retarded asset.

Speaking of retarded, do you know what else is retarded? The word “battle-buddy” is. Everyone is assigned a battle-buddy (except me, I guess I have to find my own); some of them even refer to their buddy as “battle.” I guess it’s more casual than “battle-buddy,” and they are buddies after all, so I suppose it is only appropriate that they are on a “first half of a retarded phrase” basis.

In the Navy, we have the word “shipmate,” which while I’ll agree is nearly as gay, the term is usually only exercised in order to tell someone they are fucked up; i.e. “shipmate, what the fuck is wrong with your shirt?”

Grumpy from dust-storms and lack of exercise, today is officially the day that I decided that the Army sucks, and is inferior to Navy in every imaginable way. The excitement that accompanied this clarity of thought provoked me to tell every Army friend the news, and enthusiastically list all the ways in which the Army sucks and the Navy rules. None disagreed (true story).

In the midst of all the nostalgia recently, I may have neglected some administrative items.

First, I have enlisted the help of a talented old squadron-mate to redesign my website. I was able to promise him no money, no gratitude, constant complaining and criticism, and no credit or acknowledgement. It was an offer he could not refuse. Perhaps in order to display some semblance of a backbone, he did demand total artistic control, so don’t blame me if he really gays the place up.

Another of today’s revelations is that the words” gay,”” fag,” and “retard” no longer belong to homosexuals or mentally handicapped. They belong to me, and people like me, who have used them generously over the past fifteen years. We have cultivated their meanings, filled them nuance, mystery, and comedy; and delivered them with masterful timing – they are our words, and I will not be made to feel guilty by anyone who pretends they are offended. I was informed recently that the era of PC is over, that whole thing was gay anyway, and I am taking back what rightfully belongs to me and my generation, regardless of what a few faggy retards may think of it.

Second, a soldier known as CPT G, who ran a blog called Kaboom: A Soldier’s War Journal was recently shut down by the man, so I am going underground. I am going to scrub some of my old blogs for anything that might jeopardize my anonymity. Everything will be saved for the sake of posterity, but back me up and let me know if you find anything compromising, as it is going to take me some time to get through it all. I have spent far too much of my youth defending free speech to sacrifice my own just because some Army General doesn’t like reading about how retarded and gay his branch is; the truth hurts. Granted, CPT G was a lot looser with personal information than I am, but the rule is; every blog must be approved by the chain of command, and I have some questionable content so rules be damned! I like all the attention I am getting, and I’m hooked on all the power and influence that accompanies the running of a blog that is only read by friends, family, and one third of the state of New Hampshire.

Hugs,

The Augmentee

14 comments:

ag said...

Hey, it's only a 1/4 of the state of NH - we had a family of four move in last week you probably weren't aware of so that adds to the denominator; and, that's only if you don't count cows. I like cows so by my count it's about 1/32 of the state population that's reading your blog.

So - stay humble...

Anonymous said...

Estelle Getty here - back from the grave to give a belated congrats on being less than 200 days till you're done.

Anyway, keep on truckin little augmentee buddy. You got a bunch of people pulling for you.

Smooches from above,
E.G.

Bob Hope said...

Bosk's balls are gay, and getting gayer by the minute.

The Dingo ate your baby said...

@AG: well, with one in LA and one in Boston there are only two current residents of NH so wouldnt it be about 1/64 the state? and it would be 1/65 if the old man in the mountain hadnt died like a year ago

@Augmentee: You reclaimation of vocabulary makes me feel like Will Ferrell after the "Earmuffs" speech in old school, "Cock! Balls!"

Underpants Gnomes said...

@Augmentee: I'm sure you've already heard because it happened a while ago, but I don't know how frequent your Nittany Lion football updates are out there and figured I'd pass some stuff along...let me know if updates are desired or a waste of my time

anyway Sean Lee tore his ACL and is out for the year...gay

JoePa gave a press conference the other day, was asked how long he would be coaching...frustration and rant ensued - Glasses looked bigger than usual, shoes still from the 1930's

Schedule is absurdly easy outside of possibly the most difficult three games of any team in college football:
October 11: At Wisconson,
October 18: Home against Michigan, October 25: At Ohio State -- who were the dicks that scheduled that garbage?

Before they play us? Michigan has Toledo and Ohio State has Michigan State, great

Sandy Salt said...

Augmentee, have you fully grasped the stupidity of the whole lane concept and how it puts you in the Sand Box. After a week of schooling on "Ground Systems", you are the resident expert for your command. I always felt that if one of the "Army Stupid" guys could attend the same course I did, then they could be the expert, but alas there would be no "Army Expert" because they can't seem to find a lane for the thing most likely to save their ass. If you weren't pissed already at how lame the Army is here is another log for the fire.

Nobody's Schwartz is as Big as Mine said...

Sandy Salt, from now on you have to screen your comments through me.

FYI, this one wouldn't have made it.

I like ABORTIONS on FACE! said...

Agreed. Yos nos comprendos Sandy Salty Vagina. Retarded comment? A little on the gay side? You decide.

Anywho, dude, I'm glad to hear of your nostalgia. I have the power to make you have emotions. Label it an emotion? Just a faggy feeling? I'm stoned.

Secondly, that sucks about all the upcoming clean-up of your blog. I hope the Big K story stays untouched in all its mother-of-pearl glory.

Fourthly, definitely take away all the posts by Estelle Getty: she's a "dead" giveaway of your identity! HAHAAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAH!

YOU GET IT YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER?

I love you and miss you.

MyNuttsLookLikeButts said...

I noticed the change in background FIRST!!!!

Bob Ruby said...

I am embarrassed I know who did your website. He did a great job...even if he is gay and will sleep with a woman....poor guy.

The Augmentee said...

Umm... hey Bob,

If willingness to sleep with a woman makes a man gay, then call me Freddie Mercury - because I'm about dying to sleep with a woman.

Underpants Gnomes said...

@ Augmentee:

As much as I like the new "snazzy" setup you got going on artistically here, and as inspiring as it is to see something new each day, I think you should maintain artistic rights on the main banner...the original one was classic -- I mean, it's on the T-shirt -- I vote to keep that as the main banner regardless of the changes to the rest of the interface...

Sandy Salt said...

If you've never been there and don't understand than you never will. There is no reason for Navy guys need to be snatched from our nice warm bunks and sent to the sand box other than the Army guys are too lame to protect their own asses.

If not wanting other Navy guys to be sent to the desert unnessarily is gay then I'm a flaming homo.

Sandy Salt said...

By the way the site looks great and since I am a flamin' homo that is high praise.