Monday, July 28, 2008

D-192: Potpourri

The CO gave us back gym privileges today; which was just in time, because I was going to invoke my status as a non-battalion asset today and start going to the gym again anyhow. Although allowed to work out, we are still on lockdown pending the completion of the missing Night Optical Device investigation, so we are required to go to the gym with a “battle-buddy.” I decided that rule is retarded, and therefore I am not subject to it as non-retarded asset.

Speaking of retarded, do you know what else is retarded? The word “battle-buddy” is. Everyone is assigned a battle-buddy (except me, I guess I have to find my own); some of them even refer to their buddy as “battle.” I guess it’s more casual than “battle-buddy,” and they are buddies after all, so I suppose it is only appropriate that they are on a “first half of a retarded phrase” basis.

In the Navy, we have the word “shipmate,” which while I’ll agree is nearly as gay, the term is usually only exercised in order to tell someone they are fucked up; i.e. “shipmate, what the fuck is wrong with your shirt?”

Grumpy from dust-storms and lack of exercise, today is officially the day that I decided that the Army sucks, and is inferior to Navy in every imaginable way. The excitement that accompanied this clarity of thought provoked me to tell every Army friend the news, and enthusiastically list all the ways in which the Army sucks and the Navy rules. None disagreed (true story).

In the midst of all the nostalgia recently, I may have neglected some administrative items.

First, I have enlisted the help of a talented old squadron-mate to redesign my website. I was able to promise him no money, no gratitude, constant complaining and criticism, and no credit or acknowledgement. It was an offer he could not refuse. Perhaps in order to display some semblance of a backbone, he did demand total artistic control, so don’t blame me if he really gays the place up.

Another of today’s revelations is that the words” gay,”” fag,” and “retard” no longer belong to homosexuals or mentally handicapped. They belong to me, and people like me, who have used them generously over the past fifteen years. We have cultivated their meanings, filled them nuance, mystery, and comedy; and delivered them with masterful timing – they are our words, and I will not be made to feel guilty by anyone who pretends they are offended. I was informed recently that the era of PC is over, that whole thing was gay anyway, and I am taking back what rightfully belongs to me and my generation, regardless of what a few faggy retards may think of it.

Second, a soldier known as CPT G, who ran a blog called Kaboom: A Soldier’s War Journal was recently shut down by the man, so I am going underground. I am going to scrub some of my old blogs for anything that might jeopardize my anonymity. Everything will be saved for the sake of posterity, but back me up and let me know if you find anything compromising, as it is going to take me some time to get through it all. I have spent far too much of my youth defending free speech to sacrifice my own just because some Army General doesn’t like reading about how retarded and gay his branch is; the truth hurts. Granted, CPT G was a lot looser with personal information than I am, but the rule is; every blog must be approved by the chain of command, and I have some questionable content so rules be damned! I like all the attention I am getting, and I’m hooked on all the power and influence that accompanies the running of a blog that is only read by friends, family, and one third of the state of New Hampshire.

Hugs,

The Augmentee

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