Rough Start

When I publicly committed myself to posting something new every week, I really did not take into consideration the banality of my day-to-day life.  

Unfortunately, it looks like my buddy Brian really called his shot back in 2008 when he wrote;

“Of course, if you got out of the Navy and weren't in Iraq, on the Ike or dealing with hinges, I could see you quickly running out of material.”

All of those things have come true; I work in a pretty basic cube-farm, we have pictures of eagles on the walls with cute sayings about innovation.  The carpet is gray; the walls are pale blue.   The soothing chorus of clacking keyboards over the labored breathing of the severely overweight is only interrupted by occasional polite laughter in response to a sterile, unfunny joke.  There is usually a cake when it’s someone’s birthday, which, statistically is pretty much every day in a building of 400 people.  

It’s a nice enough place to work, but nobody drove a truck into a wall or nearly went blind drinking wine they made under their bed, so it sometimes can feel a little humorless.   It certainly does not offer up a weekly premise for a blog post of any value.

Alas, weekly is the commitment that I made right here in front of God and everybody, and while I’m sure my determination will eventually give way to other interests (baseball season), vanity alone prevents me from defaulting on my very first, post-resolution installment – in short, this is a blog about nothing.

1,103 Days Later

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been 1,103 days since my last post.

Technically that isn’t correct; I’ve had a smattering of failed projects along the way and had a short, but fun go of it over at droppingletters.com.  While I am still holding out hope that we can pull our hats out of our collective asses over at officesharks.com someday, it is high time that I return to the scene of my original failure, where I first discovered my gift of mediocre story-telling and poor grammar.  

Welcome back to The Augmentee.

I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions.  Lord knows I have enough bad habits but I’ve settled into a comfortable cycle of fat-drunk to fit-sober and back that operates on about an 8-month wavelength.  This year, the fit-sober just happens to fall in a January – it’s like an eclipse. 

In times like these, it’s important to seek inspiration from venerable sources such as Cracked.com’s David Wong, who offers this gem to the newly resolved: 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person

I won’t bore you with a full review of the article (although it is brilliant and I encourage you to read it) but I will cite one brief passage:

Being in the business I'm in, I know dozens of aspiring writers. They think of themselves as writers, they introduce themselves as writers at parties, they know that deep inside, they have the heart of a writer. The only thing they're missing is that minor final step, where they actually fucking write things. 

But really, does that matter? Is "writing things" all that important when deciding who is and who is not truly a "writer"?

For the love of God, yes.

I cringed a little when I read that, and I couldn’t understand exactly why.  After all, I have NEVER presumed to introduce myself as a writer at a party and I have the heart of a slightly-overweight, 33-year old cigar smoker, but I felt exposed anyway.

Because I would say “I like to write.”  I would list it as a hobby if I were filling out the kind of questionnaire that asked me to list hobbies.  Which is all well-and-good except that I don’t actually fucking write things.  I enjoy writing the way I enjoy golf, exercise, and reading books – I remember a time when I used to do all those things, and now just whimper about how I don’t have time but still list them as my hobbies on theoretical questionnaires. 

So, in honor of the challenge set forth by David Wong in the pages of Cracked.com, I’m throwing open the shutters of The Augmentee and I’ll endeavour to post something weekly of some value, to somebody.  I’ll see you chumps on the message boards. 

For those of you not interested in clicking on the link, here's the embedded photo of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf:

Via Upscalehype.com

Hit the Lights!

As my transition out of the Navy is rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do some final tidying up around here and consider The Augmentee blog officially a wrap. I’ve attempted to fix some of the more egregious formatting errors (while ignoring the ones that were too much a nuisance to fix) and deleted some of the more misguided if not outright offensive posts (because the internet is forever).

It was tempting to alter or add clarifying information to some of the old posts as I reviewed them, but for the sake of posterity I have decided to leave well enough alone. I haven’t decided how long I will continue to claim the domain name, but it only costs $12/year and I am admittedly sentimentally attached to it.

As my naval career comes to a close, it is clear that this IA assignment will stand out as one of the defining events of my 8+ years of service. The maintaining of this blog and the overwhelming response to it was extremely fun, and helped keep me sane for the duration of the deployment.

Thanks for playing along, don’t forget to buy a T-Shirt on your way out the door.

The Augmentee and the NAVADMIN

I’m going to try not to make this a long story…

Like many IAs, I had assumed that I would recover 100% of my shore duty time for my Iraqi troubles. That had long been touted as a promise on the FAQ lists of official IA sources. Therefore, I had assumed that I would receive an eight month extension to cushy billet, upon which time I would gracefully resign from the Naval Service – forever cementing my legacy in the annals of naval lore. Well, I am an idiot.

In June of this year, I informed my detailer of my desire to exercise my extension. He told me I just needed to submit a request… no deadline or sense of urgency was revealed to me. It seemed a mere formality.

On Thursday of last week, the nomination package for my replacement was delivered to my command. He will be here in May to facilitate my August rotation. I called the detailer and told him that he needs to contact this unlucky officer immediately; let him know that his Helo Bubba Placement Officer placed him in a job that wasn’t available. Sucks to be him… but he probably didn’t just get back from a 10-month IA, so while I’m sympathetic, I can stomach a small amount of discomfort on his part in order to prevent my life from turning upside down. I was sure my detailer would agree… He did not.

He told me that while I was still welcome to submit my request, it would likely be denied since my job was promised to another person. Clearly, this was entirely my fault; why hadn’t I submitted this letter already? Didn’t I know the rules? Hadn’t I read the applicable chapters in MILPERSMAN chapter 13?

Sadly, I had only read through chapter 12 of MILPERSMAN, and I did not know the rules. But I do now. The MILPERSMAN is not really the issue… the real article is called NAVADMIN 273/06. If you are a returning IA, you need to read this thing but for the purposes of brevity let me summarize. The 100% extension promise only applies to enlisted personnel. For officers, the text reads as follows:

“OFFICER IAS COMING FROM SHORE DUTY: DETAILERS WILL CONTACT THE OFFICER TO DISCUSS OPTIONS WITH REGARD TO CAREER PROGRESSION, PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT, AND TOUR LENGTHS TO MAXIMIZE THE LENGTH OF A SHORE DUTY EXTENSION WHILE KEEPING THE OFFICER’S CAREER ON TRACK TO ACHIEVE ALL COMMUNITY MILESTONES.”

Read as follows: I am not entitled to shit. So here are my options:

1. Negotiate another sea-duty.

2. Resign in August 2010 vice May 2011.

3. Negotiate another IA/GSA deployment.

I have some hope; the guy who has been promised my billet will be offered other available NROTC billets. If he accepts, I’m good. If he declines, I’m fucked.

Do I feel like I’ve been screwed? Yes I do. However, I accept that I had a hand in screwing myself. If I have to choose from the options above, I’ll take number 2. If anyone knows a company in the New York City area that needs a good man around September, please let me know.

I’ll keep you posted.

---

“Annals” refers to archives, history or chronicles, not the human anus; but have fun with it anyway Bosque & Bowl.

A Commentary on FITREPs

We have undergone a change of command here recently, and with it the obligatory change of command FITREP and debrief. My former boss is very heavy on the “career counseling” aspect of these debriefs; he leads with the question, “what do you have planned for your next tour?” Never mind that I’ve made it clear on several occasions that not only did I want to get out, but that my community is structured in a way that wouldn’t provide a path back in, regardless of my wishes, so his efforts to change my mind were futile. In general, I play the “I’m getting out” card pretty close to the vest, but when asked directly, I don’t beat around the bush.

This decision was made when I accepted this tour; the Hawkeye community places no value on education and no value on IA tours. I was introduced to this concept long ago, when as naïve LTJG, I wondered aloud why the Department Head selection board would even consider passing on a guy who has a PHD in aerospace engineering from MIT in favor of a guy who spent three years teaching some useless PDS class over at the RAG. My CO told me flatly, it is because the guy at the RAG “gave something back to the community.” That may have been the first time I heard that concept, but it would not be the last; as I moved closer to my shore rotation, I was offered excessive career advice from anyone with an oak leaf and chance to run their mouth for a few minutes, and it always bounced back to the same theme – give something back to the community.

Let’s get this out of the way up front; being a “member” of the Hawkeye “community” is in every way equivalent to playing for the losing team. The E-2C is an aging platform, unable to effectively adapt to a modern warfare environment. I could go on forever about the reasons why, but I’ll save that for another day. The point is, asking me to give something back to the Hawkeye community is absurd; it is like asking Barry Sanders to give something back to the Lions. Flying the Hawkeye was a booby prize; it is the participation ribbon of Naval Aviation – I don’t feel indebted to it in any way, and I don’t think my “good deal” shore tour is any less of a contribution than sitting in the Simulator at the RAG or re-drafting useless TTP in a triple-walled nerd-locker in the desert.

In fact, I’ll stack my tour here up against anyone of those as far as contribution to the Navy; after all, we all joined the Navy, not the Hawkeye community. My tour, to include my 9-month combat tour, compares favorably to a RAG, WTI, or NSAWC tour in every measurable way except one – It has nothing to do with sitting in the back of an E-2C (by the grace of God). By the time I leave here, I’ll have delivered hundreds of commissioned Ensigns to the Fleet, I’ll have more joint experience than any of my peers having a FITREP signed by a member of 3 of 4 service branches, I’ll have invaluable combat experience on the FIRES end of CAS/TST – a mission which should by now be an E-2C core competency but falls short in favor of Cold War doctrine - and I’ll have a master’s degree.

All of those things would strike an ordinary person as pretty favorable traits to bring before a career board; which is probably why my CO continued to bring it up for two years, but the Hawkeye community is not listening. Hawkeye CO’s are still encouraged to manipulate the FITREP system to give the maximum advancement opportunity to guys who choose jobs that are on the “track.” You may be the number one performer, but this other guy “needs” the EP because he’s going to the RAG. He’s giving something back! I don’t mean to sound bitter, because I wasn’t trying to stay in, and I was never mislead – my detailer looked me right in the eye and told me I’d never make command if I took this job. It’s just an infuriatingly broken system; and the community will never advance in any meaningful way as long as clings to this incestuous promotion scheme. There are plenty of very good, very deserving officers at the RAG and NSAWC; top performers who I admire and in many cases count among my closest friends. But there are more than a few clowns too – and it is a straight roll of the dice which of these guys will be the next generation of squadron COs.

New ideas are not generated by homogenous groups who have been more or less stuck in the tube of an E-2 for their entire careers. It is a frustrating conversation to be forced to have every fucking FITREP cycle.

The JOPA Commandments

1. Do unto JOs as you would have JOs do unto you; Hinges can go fuck themselves.

2. Thou shall not ask questions that thou do not want to know the answers to.

3. Thou shall not be nude in the stateroom for any longer than is necessary to change underpants. Should thou, whilst nude, make eye contact with another nude man inside of arm's distance, thou hast had sexual relations with that man.

4. The amount of time or money one spends at any strip club whilst in foreign port, shall not be discussed in the presence of any JOs wife.

5. Thou shall not speaketh upon check-in for 12 fortnights; nowhere in "FNG" does it ask for your opinion.

6. Thou shall not point out the professional shortcomings of another JO, no matter how obvious, in the presence of a hinge. Personal shortcomings are always in play (Jorts clause).

7. If thy brother doth become inebriated beyond his means, thou shall rescue him from arrest by foreign authorities. Then thou may lay thy balls on his forehead and take many photographs.

8. There is no crying in Naval Aviation.

9. When thou finds another man's electronic mail account un-locked, it is thy noble right and duty to make that man appear homosexual through a humorous and fruity correspondence distributed to all other men.

10.Thou shall claim what thou have dealt.

*Special thanks to Wu-Tang and Pride for helping create this list.

Not For Self; But For Country

My IA assignment is the gift that keeps on giving; today’s gift is a breath-taking piece of bureaucratic nonsense that only the Navy could manage . A message came out requiring that all commands meeting specific criteria, assign in writing a Command IA Coordinator (CIAC). The criteria are as follows:

1. One or more sailors in the command have orders for a future IA or GSA assignment.
2. One or more sailors in the command are currently serving an IA assignment.
3. One or more sailors in the command have returned from IA in the previous 9 months.

Having recently returned from an IA assignment, my command meets the above criteria and therefore needs to appoint a CIAC… in writing.

The requirement for a CIAC is any E-7 or above who has IA experience (if available). Read as follows: the IA assignment that I returned from in December, requires my command to assign in writing a CIAC – a position for which I am the only member of my command qualified to hold.

I called the message POC, explained our situation, and asked “are you saying that I need to be assigned, in writing, as my command IA coordinator, in effort to support myself for an IA assignment that I completed 4 months ago?”

“Hmm, well if you want to be in compliance, then technically yes.”

So I guess I’m off to NKO to complete the online training course.

Non sibi sed patriae.