Thursday, October 9, 2008

D-112: Augmentee, Don't Eat That.

Yesterday, in honor of the end of Ramadan, the XO ordered some kind of feast of local fair, presumably in some sort of display of “cultural sensitivity.” The thing was catered by some Hadj company that one of the Hadji shop owners found, and it looked very suspect from the get-go. It consisted of various parts of a goat’s body still attached to shards of bone that looked like they were smashed apart with a sledge hammer rather than cut with any kind of blade, sitting atop a giant plate of rice-a-roni, accompanied of course by pita bread and several dishes of green, brown, and yellow mashed up baby vomit to dip the bread in. As you could have probably guessed, the whole thing smelled like “Sex Panther.”


Having learned this lesson the hard way back in June, when some local goat filled hot-pocket liquefied my intestines and had me running to the toilet for three days, I bolted from the building the second this meal was brought through the door. Had I stayed behind, I would have had Iraqi’s begging me to eat for three hours; “You’re not going to eat?” Why don’t you eat?” “Won’t you try it?” If they only knew how much they had in common with Jewish mothers, I think the Mid-East crisis would have been over decades ago. Maybe we should just have the Israelis and Palestinians sit down and guilt each other into eating Matzo balls and Goat Kebobs for a few hours and see what happens.


They would all have their feeling generally hurt when I offered my series of excuses for not eating; “No thanks, I just ate yesterday.” “It’s against my religion to eat goat.” Likewise, the truth would hurt their feelings even more; “you’re un-clean food makes my asshole explode.” Then all the Army guys with the iron stomachs would call me a pussy and shake their heads in disapproval.


Today, the bathroom was jam packed with soldiers paying the price for their cultural awareness. Looks like I win again.


Quote of the Day:

MAJ X: “Every two weeks we all devour a giant bowl of stupid soup!”

12 comments:

Joe 6 pack, 2 joints and a bottle said...

Hey! you got your funny back! See? that didn't take long.

tennis ball car = short bus said...

now that's more like the Angry SDO that kept me from leaping off the round down for at least four months...

Bowl to the Knock said...

Can I infer from the tone of your two most recent posts that (a) Kuwait sucks and (b) you have a tender butthole?

Mmmmmmm.

Hadj Meat - it's what's for dinner.

John Quincy Adams said...

The Sky is Falling! Help

Regards,
Wall Street

MARRIED BOSK said...

You know, I've been thinking. If I was still in the dating scene, I would like to be able to socially-comfortably measure the width of my potential cumdumpster's anus. Because if she's had buttsex before, that's something I'd like to know, because that says a lot about somebody.

Or she could just take big dumps. Either way, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her.

Wharton grad/PSU Ivy Undergrad said...

go U Penn State football! Beat Wisconsin!!

Bea Arthur said...

FIDDLESTICKS!

Anonymous said...

Kinda reminds me of something I heard Oakleaf Joe say the other day in reference to near beer during a poker game in the middle of RIPTOA...

"It just ain't right. What I mean is, it's like eating your sisters' pussy...it tastes and smells the same...but it just ain't right."

Just say no to hadj food.

bleach my asshole!! said...

Hey, Aug.

Can I have sex with your fantasy football team? It will most definitely be me vs. you in the final but, since you will most likely win...can I just have sex with your team when you're done with them?

Big bad buttsex, please.

Anonymous said...

myyy brutha. You with the wisdom again, steer clear of weird foods UNLESS you are back int he good ol' USA and it is being prepared at an Iraqi themed restaurant run by the good people at Outback or yo uare that world traveler dude on food network that eats anything but washes it down with huge amounts of local booze (as we all know, alcohol kills bacteria). Til then, stick to the corn flakes.

Anonymous said...

On that last posting, my 'word verification' challenge was -- and I kid you not - WUTDAF

All I can say is WTF!?


Oddly, THIS post is challenged with NIYGFUX which, while incoherent to me, is probably a derogatory comment to the sister of one of your hadj's...

McLovin said...

Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

— Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board here in the ITO.

It was Mark Twain who said, "Never try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig."