Friday, November 21, 2008

D-10: Things are Getting Weird

Anyone who has ever served in the military knows this; bored men are their own worst enemy. With only 10 days left before I begin my journey home, and my duties nearly completely turned over to my relief, I took upon myself to gallantly drive this point home.

It started with someone telling a tale of a fight they once participated in, in which they learned what it felt like to get punched in the face. Due to the competitive nature of story-telling, the remaining four men in the room took turns telling their stories of pain. I contributed my timeless classic of getting pepper-sprayed machine-gun style by the State College P.D. in Beaver Canyon following the Nittany Lions’ defeat of Miami in 1999. I was counter by my friend Matt, who was twice tasered in the same night by a bouncer at a bar.

That story trumped us all, and we asked a myriad of question about the physical sensations of being tased. Obviously, one thing led to another, and I realized that I was in an Army infantry battalion and had access to virtually every weapon known to man. No sooner than my friend mentioned that his Platoon Sergeant once allowed his troops to tase him, did that very Sergeant walk in the door. I took this as fate, and without thinking (as is my custom), I asked “Hey, Sergeant P, you wanna tase me?”

Well, good old Sergeant P didn’t need much convincing; he said “why?”

I answered, “Because I want to know what it feels like.”

“I’ll go get my gun.”

I gathered up an audience and a video camera, and we staged some dirty mattresses and blankets around the front porch. My buddy Nate, like a good buddy ought to, decided that no one should be tased alone, and agreed to join me.

I wanted to go first, but as I was showing someone how to operate the camera, he stood in front of the mattresses and declared himself ready. I aimed the camera at him, and Sergeant P raised his weapon, and fired his first shot. Somehow, he missed, and the two barbs sailed over Nate’s shoulder, narrowly missing his neck (which would have been excruciating), and falling just short of hitting a spectator in the leg.

He reloaded, and his second shot hit Nate square in the back; he screamed and immediately fell backward with his body frozen, hands pinned to his sides, and chin tucked into his chest. Unfortunately, the soft mattress landing zone was in front of him, and he landed on the hard tile with a dull thud, his head just missing the door-jam of the open front door. Gasps of horror and roars of laughter filled the air.

Learning from Nate’s mistake, we re-arranged the mattresses, so that I had a landing pad both in front of me and behind me. With my back to Sergeant P, I stood in the middle; I was terrified.

I heard the loud electric pop of the gun just an instant before pain coursed through my entire body, my vision flashing white. Like Nate, I fell straight back, unlike Nate, I landed on a Mattress. My neck snapped as my head bounced, and Sergeant P shut the gun down and I was instantly relieved. I rolled around in pain, my whole body was sore from the combination of the tasing and the fall, and my back was screaming where the two fishhook-like barbs penetrated – about two inches left of my spine, half way up my back. I rolled over until I was on all fours, laughing and groaning, begging anyone to pull the barbs out.

Nate’s shot hit him right on the spine, which while extremely uncomfortable, at least prevented very deep penetration, allowing the barbs to be pulled out effortlessly. I was less fortunate, my shot landed in the meatiest part of my back, and the barbs buried themselves as deep as they would go. My friends yanked them out without much bedside manner, and I felt the blood trickle down my back as soon as I stood up.

That all took place about an hour ago, my back still hurts where it was pierced, my neck is a little bit sore, and I have a small headache. But I proved that I am extremely cool, and I have an awesome video to prove it. Totally worth it.


Anonymous said...


Go, AUG!!! Plz post on youtube then send me an emial where I can find it or just send it to me??

I love you thats so cool i wish i could do that we can do that someday!!!!

Anonymous said...

Sixty Ninth!!!!

That's fucking MINT! My bro is getting his taser soon, so we can do that state-side when you're back.

I wonder if this would void life-insurance polices?!?!?

I am leaving for PSU in about 9.5 hours. Uuuuuuugggghhhhhh it feels so good. I love the smell of roses on my TAINT.

Anonymous said...

"My fellow Americans: I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did ga-googity that girl. I ga-shmoygadeed her ga-flavity with my googis, and I am sorry."

Anonymous said...

Things just as painful as getting tasered

by: Anonymous Throw Up Ninja

Sitting through temple
Peeing after sex with Joge (traditional sex)
Trying to talk to a lawyer
Trying to talk to a lawyer that stutters
Cleaning up my puke
Facing the wrath of my fantasy team, the fighting HerVulvaLovesMyUlnas
Watching my 401(k)
Paying taxes
Blue balls
Talking to someone from the South
Anything related to Iowa

The Augmentee said...

oh but baby - wait until you see the video.

Anonymous said...

The funniest part of that night with the pepperspray wasn't seeing you get sprayed... it was watching that fucktard rollerskate down the hill between PennTowers and the complex you lived in completely naked but trailing about 400 sheets of two-ply.

Drunk at work said...


Although your wifey has a good point about not tempting fate during your final days in Iraq that's still awesome!! Can't wait to see the video.

I've been trying to get my pops to taser me, he won't do it. Something about it not being a toy, blah blah..

Sandy Salt said...

Freaking awesome. We spent a Thanksgiving on the boat playing with a Tens Unit (delivers electro pulses to relieve back pain). We even used it to make a guy Frankenstien walk because we could alternate which muscles contracted, but the Taser sounds far better. Good times. The verification word is spongu, interesting.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Augmentee has a point, The Augmentee.. She would like you home safely.
Not sure if we'll make it to the Derby party,but if so, can I make pizza dip...not high class Derby food, but since everyone's been deployed and we never had football Sunday I haven't been able to make it this year:)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous is known for her pizza dip!!!!!! That's the only possible way Aug can know who she is after posting anonymously!!!!! Also, it's obvious Aug has some sort of sexual relationship with her!!! Aug has to hide her from his wife!!! Pizza Dip Mistress' post was a risky move!!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Auggie. We should have sex immediately upon your return while looking at pictures of your wife.

Anonymous said...

Way to close out your tour big boy. I recommend 12 bottles of the WinterHook Ale from the good people at RedHook Breweries. Cheers amigo, see you stateside.