Saturday, September 6, 2008

D-152: Return of the Augmentee


I have been neglecting this blog; I know. I have been completely wrapped up in a storm of fantasy football drafts, football games, and getting everything here squared away before I go on leave.

I can’t wait to go on leave! My wife has promised that the fridge will contain a case each of Hoegaarten and Sam Adams Octoberfest – which I will merrily drink while watching football at a normal hour, sitting on a couch with my dog, eating something delicious that has never been in a can or a freezer, and studying up on the lavish Hotel and Casino where I will spend a week in Puerto Rico.

Most of you already know this, but after pestering the guys here for the last several months, one of them relented and risked his career by allowing me to drive a multi-million dollar, sixty ton, M1A2 Abrams tank. It was so much fun, that I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had an honest-to-Jesus good time. The tank actually has a modification of the same turbine engine used in the H-60 (Blackhawk, Seahawk) helicopters; the controls resembled those of a snowmobile, with the throttle on the handle of a T-style set of handlebars. The throttle was extremely responsive, and I nearly gave my tour guide a heart attack a few times by laying in to it too much, though nowhere near its full capability. The handling was amazing; having never driven a tracked vehicle before, I was taken by surprise by how quickly the thing made its turns, as the turn is provided by a speed differential between the two tracks rather than by an axle and column, so it basically just pivots around its center.

Big thanks to CPT M for allowing that little field trip, and for pointing out that the tank is “designed to destroy; it has no secondary mission.” The whole thing was very, very awesome; and it marks the first time that I ever thought being in the Army might be pretty cool.

Penn State players continue to piss off both JoePa and I; this time it’s Maurice Evans, the All-American Defensive End, and two other guys who are considered critical to the team. This worries me; in my opinion, guys who think highly of their team wouldn’t jeopardize their season by smoking weed in an on-campus apartment like some God damned hippy – which leads me to believe that these guys don’t think much of their team. Naturally, JoePa is going to mete out a fair punishment, which begs the question – “what are these cops thinking?” You know what JoePa is going to do – you are a fucking campus cop, why would you endanger the Defense by reporting two starters for smoking a little weed. Just steal the weed and give them a warning idiot – if anything goes wrong today against Oregon State, I am going to hate the campus cops. Well, I already do, but I can hate them more.

7 comments:

Weino goes to Jail said...

moment of silence for Ivan Drago who I always thought was a campus cop and screamed his name as they dragged away weino to jail for nobody really knows why...

my wife makes best pizza dip ever said...

I am also fed up with the idiots on the team. They looked real good today though. I am shocked that Devlin even competed with Clark for starter, because they put him in and he was awful. BTW, Gaines is a monster, he is going to be the Defensive player I get a hard on for since Sean Lee is out. Enjoy leave, I deploy Monday.

i am arm humper said...

I have a unique perspective on the Weino events, as I was awoken from a deep slumber with Tom Selleck to bail that piece of shit out.

ha - my word verification is "IMCOK"

is this is like a mark bosk shitty version of I am Robot?

69!!! said...

I missed you augmentee. Like the weatherman misses his little clicker.

RoarLionsRoar said...

Arm Humper's Eyes

Arm Humper's eyes black
Arm Humper's eyes green
Arm Humper's eyes wide open
for the whole wide world to see

Arm Humper's eyes open
Arm Humper's eyes bright
Arm Humper's eyes closed tight
for a little nap time

Big Mac just passed Roger and the aug said...

to me Let's Go Drinking...it was ten years ago tonight and it was glorious....Black and Tan on tap and the official beer pong in the basement

Hide my erection said...

my balls are swollen